The Man Who Thought He Was A Dog

I believe this was fake news and, if so, it must be reported as fake, otherwise how can we decide if it was fake? However, because the news allegedly comes from California, we must be cautious in our evaluation. Strange things do happen in California, especially in the area around Hollywood, which is precisely the city from which this so-called news arose. It could turn out to be true.

Our investigation shows that the man also believed that he was a dog, not a common hound or beagle, but a Tibetan Mastiff, a powerfully built dog with a large busy tail and a slick, dense coat of fur. It is also one of the most expensive dogs in the world, but this was no hindrance to the California man—Brutus Afflictus, or Bru for short—who is also excessively rich and has become famous among the dog-eat-dog world of Hollywood.

According to unnamed sources, Bru now wants to marry a dog and the dog he wishes to marry is an American Pit Bull Terrier by the name of Bluey Bomber, a dog well known in the social circles of Hollywood. Bluey is now also rich, but discretely so, living in a well-hidden dog house manor that is well off the main streets of town.

Bluey was not always so well off: she was once a farm dog in rural Pennsylvania, although this is not known in Hollywood, and she was famous for pulling loads of wood and coal in state fair competitions. She got fed up with being petted and adorned with ribbons and ran away to Harrisburg where she hopped on a train going west.

Although Bluey had not recognized it, she would morph into a city dog. First, however, on the long train ride to California, she thought deeply about what she wanted to do and be in life and the more she thought about it, the less certain she was. “I am so hungry,” she said, “I could eat a dog’s breakfast and I feel as sad as a hound dog’s eye.” Bluey knew that it was a dog-eat-dog world out there and she longed for something better.

It took a week of train-hopping before Bluey got to LA and another day of hitch-hiking before she saw the large Hollywood sign in the distance. Although by this time she was as sick as a dog, seeing the sign made her vow to work like a dog and rise to the top of the food chain.

In the meantime Altic was dreaming of a better life as well, despite his financial success. He wanted a mate and, believing that he was a dog, began combing dog sites on social media. One, called youdogmyfeet@dogbook.com seemed a good place to start and working through the site Altic saw the picture of Bluey Bomber. When he saw her picture it was immediate puppy love.

They began communicating on the Dogbook site, initially in small barks, but progressing to sending pictures and personal information. Altic was smitten and would tell Bluey that her picture made him wag his tail and that “every dog has its day.” He soon asked Bluey to marry him, assuring her that it would be no dog and pony show.

Bluey unfortunately told him that he was barking up the wrong tree so he decided to let sleeping dogs lie and looked for another dog friend.

There were plenty of dogs in Hollywood and it wasn’t long before Altic had found an Otterhound named Princess. She was adept at hunting otter and loved both land and water. Originally from England, she had an accent that was difficult for Altich to understand at first. She would say “Give me some backy,” meaning tobacco, or wacky backy, for marijuana, items that were part of the California dog diet.

When Altic asked Princess to marry him, she said “Bob’s your uncle” and it was weeks before he realized that meant “yes.” She also told him not to get cheeky and that she wanted a good chin wag before she could know for sure. She was loudly opinionated, “gobby,” as the British said and often extremely tired, or “knackered” as the idiom would put it.

Despite the problem of clear communication, Princess and Altic decided to tie the knot. They had heard that there was a Presbyterian Doberman in town who would marry them, so they contacted him.

The Doberman, named Calvin, was reluctant at first: “Altic, you may think you are a dog and act like one, but you have a human form and what you are asking seems highly unusual and perhaps illegal—even in California.” He went on to explain the difference between humans and dogs—as best he could, in that he was not totally sure himself.

“Humans are different than dogs, I think,” he began. “They talk differently and some of them seem to think differently. You do not resemble a Tiberian Mastiff at all.” Altic was disappointed and infuriated. “If I decide that I am a dog, who are you to tell me that I am not? You cannot tell a book by its cover and you cannot tell a dog by its fur.”

Calvin was convinced by this line of argument and made arrangements to marry them in the Forest Lawn Memorial Park, next to the cemetery. That way if the marriage went to the dogs there would be a suitable place to dispose of them.

The marriage was a simple ceremony: Atica said “I do,” Bluey said “Woof-woof,” and Calvin pronounced them “married partners.” They live in a hugh doghouse near a park surrounded by dogwood trees and have starred in several cinemas, including an updated version of “Dog Pound.” Admirers have asked them both to run on the Democratic ticket in the fall.

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