There is a claim going around that our two presidential candidates are the worst that have ever been nominated. That is a assertion that is difficult, if not impossible, to substantiate because we have had some monsters in the past. Nevertheless, I will assume that this is true as I consider our two: a woman referred to most often as “Hillary” and a man christened with the surname of “Trump”, but most often referred to as “Donald” or “The Donald”.

Hillary is so-called because to call her by her surname would mix her up with husband “Bill Clinton”, who was once a President of the United States. In passing, note that Hillary is sometimes called, disparagingly we might add, “Hill” and Trump rhymes with “Dump”. It is also wildly rumored that Bill will like to get back into the White House again, where he was once able to quite adroitly carry on with his affairs. Of course, all that is idle chatter.

But to return to our summary of the “debates”, which were mainly a series of interruptions and insults, occasionally responding to the question from the “moderator”, we can note with assurance that there is not much to note. This is so, despite the fact that Hillary and Trump have debated on three occasions, with different moderators for each session. One thing is certain: they obviously do not like each other: Hillary, according to Donald, is a comprehensive liar and should have been locked up in prison before the debates began. Donald, according to Hillary in her kinder moments, is a mysogamist, tax evader, business failure and tyrant.

Let us accept that each one gives a correct evaluation of the other. Quite naturally it should lead us to ask, “Is this the best that America has to offer for its next president?” And the answer, apparently, is “yes, we simply have run out of honest, capable, moral, and notable politicians.” It is rumored that they once existed, but are now largely extinct, perhaps sucked into the sewer of the Senate or the House of Horrible Representatives. Both legislative bodies are at the bottom of the food chain as far as the general population is concerned.

Hillary has taken the “high road” she says, and will not stoop to the indignities of Donald. However, if it is high, the low road must be buried, because her accusations of The Donald are replete with sarcasm, cynicism, and innuendoes. Donald, on the other hand, interrupts Hillary to point out that she is a liar, should be in jail or, in his kinder moments, simply “wrong”.

The debates are supposed to focus on the US economy (we are trillions of dollars in debt), immigration (building a wall to keep out the uncounted), foreign policy (unspecified, but well worded), the appointment of Supreme Court judges (purely political, but not abolishing abortions on demand), health care (read “Obama Care), the 2nd amendment to the constitution (shooting down gun “control”), e-mail hacking (blame the Russians) and so on.

Instead, we hear interludes about the Clinton Foundation, Donald’s tax returns, his groping of women, Bill’s “girlfriends”, 30,000 hacked emails, rigged elections ( including dead people “voting”), Hillary’s persistent support of LSBG, abortions, and so on.

Donald presents a formidable presence: he is tall and somewhat overweight, combs his hair askew, scowls and purses his lips. He is loud and he is insistent—the moderators have a hard time guiding him.

Hillary is dressed in her colorful pants suits, has a scrubbed on smile, at one time apparently a hidden receiver in her ear for prompting, and holds on to the pulpit so that she will not fall. She is shrill and unrelenting—the moderators have trouble guiding her.

Both Hillary and Donald know that, when one of them is elected, nothing much will happen to feed the hungry, help the poor, improve our roads and infrastructure, integrate our nation, or lower our taxes.

It is all a spectacle and we know it. The terrible news for Americans, and some of the rest of the world, is that one of them will win! Ambassadors are cringing, generals are generalizing, citizens are fleeing to Canada, illegal residents are registering to vote, senators and house members are cowering, and politics generally goes on as usual.

The pundits will analyze ever breath of the candidates, examining pauses, body language, syntax and lexicon; TV commentators will rehash the “debate”, lawyers are waiting expectantly for their chance to sue one of them about something, anything; the late shows will have actors who enact Donald and Hillary, making them both look like the clowns they are.

Oh, I was going to mention the “debate”—I think there was one, in fact there were three, but each side knew what the other was going to say and how to refute it so, in the end, we are at ground zero in debate history. We judge their nastiness, their retorts—who put the other one down and how did they do it? There is not a great deal of substance to remember.

Hillary, we are told, will appoint liberal supreme court judges, have abortion “clinics” on every street corner, abolish the NRA, welcome millions of Muslims into “our” country, fly the rainbow flag over the White House, and appoint Bill as Secretary of Defense. Donald, on the other hand, will dissolve the liberal supreme court and start over again; he will have all homosexuals castrated, build a wall to keep Mexicans out that surpasses the Great Wall of China, execute the first 10,000 Muslims that are on the FBI and CIA watch list, and nominate Putin as Secretary of Defense.

It will not be a pleasant four years, we can be sure of that. But then, the last four years haven’t been so hot either.


Addendum: My Gettysburg Address

I have been fairly critical and cynical about our presidential nominees, so it is fair to ask therefore what I would do if I were President. Here, then, is my agenda for the first 100 days, all by Executive Order, of course:

I will fire the entire army of employees of Homeland Security and replace them with prisoners, which I will pardon—at least those who have a minimum of 30 years to serve. I will not pardon those about to be executed in Texas and Florida, where there is great sport for the occasion.

The prisoners know all the tricks, so no passangers could conceal drugs, guns, M&Ms, or other dangerous items. Our former prisoners, full of gratitude for their pardons, will excel where our Homeland Security has largely failed.

But what about those empty jailhouses, you may ask? We will ask Walmart to buy them and sell guns, cargo pants and vegetables there at an extremely low and fair price—rollovers every week. Instead of super-jails we will have super-stores everywhere a lockup once existed.

And what about those former homeland security people. Simple, they will replace the prisoners who picked up trash along the highways. They are already skilled in finding small items, like nail clippers and pocket knives, so they will be excellent at bagging the bigger stuff. Some will also make personalized license plates.

It is, I must admit, difficult to know what to do with illegal immigrants. Mexico has said it will not pay for a wall to keep them in and we do not have the money to build a wall to keep them out. My solution is to let them come: they will harvest our fruit and vegetables, build our houses, mow our lawns, and generally improve our lives. They must also have food stamps—in fact, anyone with a yearly salary of less that $50,000 will have a book of food stamps put in their mailbox each Friday.

Speaking now of gun control, every adult American citizen, registered as such or otherwise, will be required to own one. Toddlers will be issued toy guns and young people it will be required to play X-box 3 hours a day so they can  learn how to wipe out adversaries. However, police will use only rubber bullets or, in highly populated areas, blanks and tear gas. Every gun-owning adult will wear a body camera, its results shown on social media each evening instead of local or national news. Gun shows will be obligatory in every city in America, with the words of the 2nd amendment of the constitution in plain view.

By decree, there will be no more national debt, which is a fiction anyway. We will start over and the government will allow banks to charge whatever fees necessary to keep the public in hock. I will not allow any CEO to make more than $250,000 a month (or a million dollars in bonuses), nor “retire” with less than 200 million dollars—all taxable, each year until the person is 90 years old.

We will close all military bases overseas and at home. There will be no more war or weapons allowed. Planes, ships, tanks, generals and admirals will be mothballed.

Our foreign policy will change: we will buy North and South Korea, lease the Philippines, and Thailand, amalgamate Japan and Hawaii, then sell Samoa to the Russians. China will become, after India, our closest ally and all AT&T, Time-Warner and other large industrial complexes will move to Shanghai and Mumbai.

Domestic problems will also be solved: we will take bids on the New England states and Upper Michigan from Canada, New Mexico and Arizona from Mexico, and give Louisiana back to the French. We will make every effort to sell the Great Lakes as well—there is some indication that Cuba is interested. Several coastal cities are sinking, so we would move them to Nebraska.

Other domestic policies will not be neglected: I will allow Texas, Southern California, and New York City to become separate sovereign countries. However, I will insist that Spanish be spoken as the first language of these new countries (Vietnamese will be allowed in some cities).

At present it is unfair because some Indian reservations do not have casinos. This must be stopped—all Native Americans will be moved to reservations so that they can gamble and drink to their hearts content. It is the least we can do to repay them for all the historical atrocities that our forefathers have caused.

There will be no ISIS because we will no longer have anything to do with Iraq, Iran, Yemen, Turkey, Libya, Egypt, or other Muslim countries. The Sunni and Shi’ite Muslims will be free to try and eliminate each other, most often under the care of benevolent dictators, which we will help establish and support.

Of course, we will have millions of military personnel to deploy and their armament to get rid of. No one will get a free ride: every available and former military person will be needed to assist foundations, especially the Clinton Foundation, which will become the Mother of all Foundations. Every senator worth over a million dollars (currently all of them) will start a sub-Foundation that will subsidize the Clinton one. House members will be exempt, but expected to donate to the Samaritan’s Purse and World Vision.

I will not neglect the minorities: all citizens who wish to pledge allegiance to the Rainbow Coalition will be shipped to Northern Oregon and Southern Washington to start their own cities, schools and churches. Atheists will be encouraged to go to hell, if they believe such a place exists and, If not, they can remain at the university or church of their choice.

Our policies on carbon fuel will change: It will be compulsory for all roads, alleys, parks, zoos and highways to have a bicycle lane. Cars and 18 wheelers, in particular, will be electric and self-driving. Traffic violations will be handled by trained robots and the fees will be used to provide free bikes for the sick and lame. Damaged vehicles will be recycled and used for river control.

No more fracking, of course, except in the state of Oklahoma, where fracking is rampant, well-accepted and a part of the local culture. As for the coastal cities that are sinking because of the rising sea, we will sell them to the Netherlands, which has dealt with intrusions from the ocean for many years.

We will have religious freedom: all Muslims will be free to live in Canada, all Catholics in Mexico and all Protestants in North Dakota, or South Dakota when the North becomes overcrowded. The Amish will be allowed to buy Pennsylvania, the Mormons already own Utah, and Jehovah Witnesses can live in tents along the Interstate highways. They will be allowed to pass out pamphlets at every toll booth.

Free education will also be a goal. No more graduates owing their schools thousands of dollars. Money for the institutions will come from companies like Walmart and individuals like Bill Gates and Bernie Sanders. No child will be left behind—they will all be standing in line waiting for jobs at benevolent companies like Microsoft and Bank of America.

Agriculture must change: no more large agro-businesses to steal patents from the genes of our corn, wheat and other grains. Only gluten-free items will be planted and sold—at Seventh Day health stores to begin with, although we expect Walmart to offer assistance later as well.

Our health care system has been a mess, as have our insurance agencies. I will therefore abolish all of them—every single drug company will go out of business. We will import medicinal leaves and tree branches from Brazil and Indonesia and allow any family with sick members an allotment for “home cures”. Physicians will become our servants again and insurance agencies will all be under the care of Walmart, who will buy State Farm, Allstate and Geico—to begin with. No one will be required to insure their home or car. In case of floods, fire or other natural disasters, tent cities will be established, bottled water and hot dogs supplied. The only thing required of the inhabitants is to dig their own latrines.

That is probably about all I can do in the first 100 days. But trust me, that is just the beginning—disease, the poor, pick-up trucks, TV shows and stray cats must go!

Your Government President in waiting,

October, 2016