A Football Innerview

The football season has happened upon us and in my views I chanced upon an interview between the well-known sports commentator Sippy Boltcutter, who once played for the Kentucky Frymakers, and Spud (Big Hoss) Spinebreaker, newly recruited left tackle for the Baylor Bears.

Sippy caught up with Spud outside the Big Bottle Brewery in Waco, Texas where this interview took place for WXAKY, Friday the 13th of December, prior to Spud’s leaving to play in the Substitute Splenda bowl game in Dallas the very next day. Some of the commentary has been edited to make sense.

Sippy: Spud, if I may call you that, can you tell us when you first began to play football?

Spud: Mama tells me it was in 2nd grade at the Pushback Primary school near Dallas, but I don’ think so. Daddy gave me a football when I was three years old and said he made my first tackle.

Sippy: I understand that you went to Dunkerville H.S. and played. Was that hard?

Spud: No man, I mean, we were like brothers there and loved each other. We had each other’s backs all the time. I mean we were like right there when we needed.

Sippy: According to my records you graduated from Dunkerville in 2015 after being selected to the All State Head Targeting Team, a recent innovative squad, supported by Jerry Jones.

Spud: Yeah, I mean we the ones, man. Everybody got out of our way. We be big and mean.

Sippy: I understand you got a lot of offers for college scholarships.

Spud: Yea, M&A wanted me bad and UCAL, UTB, ATM and TCY sent their big boys to find me.

Sippy: What made you decide on ATM? What did they offer you that the other schools didn’t?

Spud: Mama told me not to go to any school that offered me a car, house or refrigerator. Baylor didn’t have a car at the time and said that there were rules or something that they had to follow. My daddy was strong on rules, so I took ATM.

Sippy: You mean Baylor didn’t offer you anything?

Spud: Well, they said I didn’t need to take any hard classes—like English or History—and that I could stay in a place off the college campus. They said they’d give me teachers to help me write papers. That sounded good to me, but daddy liked ATM better.

Sippy: So you went to ATM for a while but then what happened?

Spud: One year there and I blew out my knee at a weekend party. The doc needed to cut me and then a lot of rehab.

Sippy: And after that why did you transfer to Baylor?

Spud: I had two buddies—Hubcap Jones and Facemask Wilsox there and they told me to come.

Sippy: what has been the hardest part for you at Baylor?

Spud: I’ve had a lot of trouble learnin’ the bear claw—my fingers and hands are big and just don’t let me do it good. Some of the cheerleaders laughed at me and I may file a complaint.

Sippy: What are you intending to major in?

Spud: Some of my buddies recommend psychology, but I ain’t taking nothin.

Sippy: No cars, houses, refrigerators?

Spud: Nothin—I mean to gradjeate and I ain’t going to jail.

Sippy: Didn’t one of your buddies get arrested for DIU and an accident?

Spud: That was Fenderbender Jones II, but he’s kinda dumb.

Sippy: And what would you like to do once you leave Baylor?

Spud: I wanna sell cars and motorcycles. I got a buddy, Slamdunk Pearson, who does that. He says he makes a lot of money and meets really nice people.

Sippy: Well Spud, we need to wrap it up—our audience can be grateful for the fine athletes that Baylor has been recruiting. The President is planning a party for them.

Spud: I hear she is a real cool Pres.

Sippy: Thanks Spud, and hats off to Baylor and you as a fine scholar athlete.

Spud: Huh?

The end of football season in Baylor
Sick em’ Bears