This little piggy went to market,

This little piggy stayed home,

This little piggy had roast beef,

This little piggy had none,

And this little piggy cried “wee, wee, wee” all the way home.

What really happened:

There were actually six little pigs but because humans only have five fingers the sixth one is often omitted in counting.

Mama pig gave chores for each of her little piglets to do.

The first little piggy took her biodegradable bag and went off to HEB for mama, where she would get 10% off because her mama was over 65. She was supposed to buy grapefruit and sweet potato but instead she went right by the produce area and headed straight for the Nabisco crackers and generic ginger snaps. Needless to say, upon return, mama never sent her to the market again.

The second little piggy used to go to the market but onetime someone insulted him and said “you dirty pig” and he would never go back again. They had offended him and even asked him why he didn’t bathe before coming to the market. That was enough for number two piggy–let his siblings do the shopping. He stayed at home, ate slop and slept by the kitchen stove. He became very fat and died of pulmonary arthritis.

The third little piggy was no better. He was short and fat because of all the roast beef he ate. It all started when his mother took him for his third birthday party at McDonalds. It was the road to gluttony because he always said “supersize me” and soon he was eating three Roast Beef Big Macs every day. He was in no shape to waddle to the market and died happily at the age of two and one half years. His arteries had spaghetti strings of cholesterol in them. His mother donated his aorta to the Happy Piglet Heart Research Foundation. It is rumored that they sold it to a hospital in India.

Piggy number four didn’t get any roast beef because piggy number three had gobbled it all up. All that was left for him was turnip tops, carrots, watercress, onions, and all the other veggies that his siblings did not like. He became very skinny, unsuitable for ham and pork chops and he lived to be 101 (in pig time). His children wanted to donate what was left of him to science but there were no foundations that would accept pig skin. He ended up contributing–without his knowledge of course–his skin to the National Football League. Today teams all over the league kick, pass and jump on his skin, which has “Official NFL Pigskin” stamped on it.

Now piggy number five was a crybaby. Mama would no sooner get her to the market that she would scream and yell and want to  wee all the way home. So mama would never take her shopping and she never got to go back to the market and of course piggy number three never gave her any roast beef. She married a wolf who stole cookies from old ladies and gave some to her.

As I said, there was a piggy number six but he never amounted to anything. He thought he was a toe.

DNA testing showed that the piglets were indeed all siblings, but that some had the market gene and some did not.