Category: Humor (Page 1 of 27)

Short essays that I have written

Political Parties

It is the year of national elections (2020) and we have received our mail-in absentee ballots. There are five options for president on the document, each representing a particular party: Republican, Democrat, Libertarian, Green and Constitutional.

Political parties are, according to Wikipedia, “organized group[s] of people who have the same ideology or who otherwise have the same political positions.” Their candidates “thereby implement their agenda.”

But why name them parties? The main definition for “party” is “a social gathering of invited guests, typically involving eating, drinking, and entertainment.” A secondary meaning is “a formally constituted political group, typically operation on a national basis, that contests elections and attempts to form or take part in a government.”

Although our elections often seem to favor the primary meaning, “involving eating, drinking and entertainment.” We will assume that the secondary meaning is what is in mind for the ballots we just received. 

But what happens if there is no party that presents a candidate that we like? In this case there is a box we can check for a “write-in” vote, generally understood as one that is wasted. There is no record of anyone winning as a “voto escrito,” even if they spoke Spanish.

The problem, as we see it, is that the “parties” are not truly representative of our great American nation and cultures. We believe that we need another party, one that truly represents our once-great American nation, and that it should be the VEGETARIAN party. You will soon realize why once I outline our platform.

Every party has a platform, which is a “raised level surface on which people or things can stand.” In this case it will be “things,” although vegetables are alive and have feelings. Haven’t you ever felt “rotten as a tomato,” or “bright as a peach”?

A plank is “a long, thin, flat piece of timber” that is the fundamental point of a political party. It is often used as the side-walls for raised gardens, which brings me to our first Vegetarian (get used to saying that word) floorboard:

  1. We promise that every home will have a vegetable garden. America was built on topsoil and it is the most underused and overpriced ingredient sold at stores like Walmart. We promise that gardens will become so common that future generations will have to be told the meaning of words like “cement” and “asphalt.” Two of our slogans will be “It takes a garden to raise a vegetable” and “no vegetable left behind.”
  2. We promise that every vegetable will be represented and that minority ones like kale, rutabaga and spinach will be given every opportunity to grow to their full potential and be sold. Of course, staples like potatoes and corn will always be a solid plank on the Vegetarian platform and symbolize the great vegetable farmers on our planet. The same goes for beans and cabbage—their explosive nature will be dramatized by scenes of cows eating them.
  3. We promise that our children will receive free copies of “Veggie Tales” and that they will be given free apples and turnips at school. But “why turnips?” you may ask. Turnips are one of the most neglected of all vegetables, except perhaps for beetroot, pole beans and sour cabbage. Children will learn to love turnips because we will put a small gummie in each one given out at school.
  4. We promise that we will allow vegetables to grow sideways. Our culture has learned to grow them upside down and right side up, but not sideways. However, it has been proven by psychologists that some vegetables prefer to grow differently than the prescribed, standard way, and that we should let them grow however they wish
  5. We promise to abolish all greenhouses. These veritable prisons cook the skins and wilt the leaves of many vegetables. It is undemocratic and unconstitutional to imprison any vegetable in such hothouses. We also promise to recycle the glass from greenhouses.
  6. We promise universal care for any ailing vegetable, including free transportation in government owned wheelbarrows to bulb, stem, leaf and tuber hospitals that will be established within a mile of any garden. Infusions of broccoli juice, as well as soybean vitamins will be available. No vegetable with a preexisting condition—like that of mushrooms, okra or pumpkin—will be without affordable medical care.
  7. We promise to promote raw vegetable consumption and digestion. It has been proven by science and Reader’s Digest that cooking a vegetable changes its essence—the very core beliefs that are inherent in its structure.
  8. We promise that the very soul of our civilization—vegetable growth and care—will be re-established throughout our nation. Edible flowers will be optional, but available to plant along the border of any garden. All vegetables will be equal, although, as someone once said, “some will be more equal than others.” In addition, we promise that all vegetables will be allowed to carry vegetable peelers for protection.
  9. We promise that in the next 20 years we will grow vegetables on the moon and Mars. Our platform includes a new “Vegetables in Space” floorboard which will allow all future immigrants and aliens to eat aloft without needing Greencards or Visas. Immigrant vegetables, like Irish potatoes and Dutch stamppot are part of our tradition.
  10. Finally, Vegetarians promise to develop a vaccine that will make the sight of meat revolting. Animals will be safe to grow freely and roam anywhere, except in gardens. One exception may be cats, which seem to be natural predators of vegetables.

Earl Framklin, chairperson,

The Vegetarian National Committee
Waco (sometimes pronounced Wack-o), Texas
October, 2020

Relics and Things like That

Come along with me to Heaven for an imaginary visit: it is now the “year” 2050 and I have been here many “years,” although we don’t count “years” in heaven. However, I will use the term as a reference point for mere “earthlings.”

I have been watching—whenever I am off-duty from polishing harps and repairing clanging cymbals—some of the churches down there in Waco. One is of particular interest: The DaySpring Church, near Lake Waco. Yes, the lake is still there, although difficult to make out clearly from Heaven because of dead fish, rotting boats and fishermen, and mountains of discarded HEB plastic bags. 

About the “year” 2035, an unusual phenomenon occurred at DaySpring: a small cigar-shaped box was place in the narthex, just underneath a large painting of an oak tree. Inside the box was the right and left big toe knuckles of two former pastors, with their names engraved on the box and part of Romans 10:15 “How beautiful are the feet of those….” The names of the pastors are difficult to read but look like Saint Erickson and Saint Burlikson. However, it is not our heavenly intention to draw attention or lend homage to any person (or relic) down there.

Nevertheless, we must be truthful: upon entering the sanctuary, parishioners are allowed (some would say encouraged) to touch the box or bow slightly before it. It was not done by everyone—indeed, some people were inwardly exasperated that the box was in the narthex and not in the chapel, where other relics and trinkets were kept. 

For in the chapel was one of St. Sid’s shoes, the right one, which he always used to tap out his offertory pieces on the piano. Also, hanging on the wall was the wand that one of the music directors had used to direct the choir. It was made of ivory and is said to have been carved with great precision by the former owners of the “Silos.” I should also mention the canes and walkers that had once been used by an ancient and well-respected members of the congregation. These hung on the wall of the chapel, where once a cross had been. Just why this was done is not clear, even to us in Heaven, but it seems that the cane represented Leviticus 27:32, where every tenth animal passed under the shepherd’s rod and the walker symbolized the chariots that were submerged in the Red Sea.

To the right was a large glass enclosed diorama of various ancient, but sacred items: the ukulele once played by St Dale of Baroon, a hymn book opened to page 368 (or 563, the pages were faded and there were arguments about it every Sunday), a microphone, once spoken into by the head of the Baptist Convention, a King James Bible (autographed by President George Bush of Crawford, Texas), a pressed bluebonnet (planted by Lady Bird) and a piece of sod from the original parking lot.

The people still drank coffee, especially on Sunday mornings, and a large wooden carved coffee mug, gifted originally by a St. Harvison, who once held the record for the most cups (mugs) of coffee consumed during a Sunday sermon.

Near the children’s Sunday school rooms—and there seemed to be dozens of them—was a collection of pencils that St. Joel had used in his sketches. Children were encouraged to draw with them and at least one such child had become a famous artist. However, the pencils were not magical, simply inspirational.

All the pieces in the chapel were well-preserved and taken to the baptismal pool once a year for a ceremonial cleansing—a simple yet sacred act.

Within the sanctuary the “Seven Stations of the Cross” had been replaced by “The Seven Seasons of Texas,” with pictures of bluebonnets, football teams and pizza parlors.

I also noticed the “Bell Tower,” a modest edifice that of course had a bell in it, but also had inscribed the names of all the parishioners who had died. There were so many names that it was now difficult to hear the bell ring. Some of the names were larger than others, but I was assured that it had nothing to do with the amount of their regular tithes or offerings.

Near the entrance to the Church on Renewal Road was a flashing neon sign that said, “No parking near the oak trees,” “Go Bears,” and “Please give way to the handicapped.”

I was quite amazed at what I had seen and decided to question some of the former church members. I quickly found a wise person, a former Church Council member it turned out, and asked: Is DaySpring still a Baptist church? If so, why do they have relics and assorted religious stuff? Don’t they know what the Bible says about idols?

The wise person—a venerated Texan—spoke slowly and with a decided drawl. “Way-all,” he said, “We Babdists had some larnin’ to do, so we invited some of those Katlicks for a meetin’ or two. They showed us that it ain’t rong to look at such things and remember such other things.” 

We don’t argue in Heaven and we certainly don’t discuss relics and things, (or one’s logic) so I let it go at that. But I will be keeping my eye on that part of Waco in the future. Lots of things start out as simple stories and become part of major religious lore.

Even Baptists can leave the narrow Renewal Way.

April, 2019
Upon hearing a Bible study discussion about relics

August Almanacs and the Weather

Farmers in my neck of the woods (northeastern Pennsylvania) were familiar with the “Farmer’s Almanac), which began in 1792 and contained yearly observations about weather conditions, crops, the moon, animals, superstitions and folklore. For example, “Own a rabbit’s foot, especially if the rabbit was killed in a cemetery by a cross-eyed person at the dark of the moon,” might contribute to some people having a rabbit’s foot on their key chain for luck.

Of course, for farmers, the planting and harvesting of crops was weather-dependent, so there were many comments about the weather, such as, “The north wind doth blow, and we shall have snow,” or “If a cat licks its fur against the grain, a hailstorm is coming; if it sneezes rain is on the way.” And when “hawks fly high, there will be a clear sky; when they fly low, prepare for a blow.” Even the cows could help: “If a cow stands with its tail to the west, the weather will be fair,” but “If a cow grazes with its tail to the east, the weather is likely to turn sour.”

Today we are given regular and “up-to-date” comments on the weather, with forecasters moving clouds and winds along gigantic TV screens. In any half hour local news account there will be at least 4 reports about the weather: temperatures, allergy and wind-conditions, humidity levels, chances of it not raining in Central Texas, tornadoes, lightning, and so on, all with vivid color maps depicting ranges of severity. Forecasters are eager and determined to make even the most common day’s weather sound exciting because it can change quickly and we must be prepared.

In the Papua New Guinea highlands, I too was a weather watcher. If one of our single engine planes was headed out our way from the aviation center over an hour away, the pilot needed to know the weather. I would report on the radio about cloud coverage, rain and the possible wet condition of the airstrip, which was located at a mission station some 8 miles from us. Often the clouds hung around the ridges and made it difficult for the pilot to see the small airstrip and sometimes, due to sudden storms, the flight would have to be aborted. On many occasions our supplies were off-loaded somewhere until there was better weather at our location. Consequently, I learned something of weather patterns in the Highlands and made sure it was safe for our pilots to land.

When a major storm was coming, I could hear the rain beating heavily on the jungle trees as it came over the mountain near our house. It was awesome and wonderful at the same time.

My favorite views were the sunrises and sunsets—living near the Equator the times were always the same: 6:30 in the morning and 6:30 at night. Bright red flames of sunshine were sometimes embedded in large cumulus clouds and I would think “Before you created the hills or brought the world into being, you were eternally God and will be God forever” (Ps 90:2).

In the two villages where we spent several years the average annual rainfall was between 120 and 150 inches. There were times when it rained all day and although the sound of rain on a grass roof is soothing and pleasant, hiking in the mud is no fun. Slipping and sliding, falling ain the mud, sometimes with leeches sucking blood from your legs (which you don’t feel or realize until you see some blood), it is not the glorious life of the missionary. And if you are inclined to recite Romans 10:15 about the “beautiful” feet of those who bring the message, picture them dirty, calloused and with fungus under the toenails.

But we are in the U.S. in early August and it is as hot as a “Texas mailbox.” (I made that up.) Nevertheless, August, like every other American month, has many international days, such as:

National Raspberry Cream Pie Day

National Root Beer Float Day

National Fresh Breath Day

National Wiggle Your Toes Day

National Relaxation Day

National Lemon Meringue Pie Day

National left-hander’s Day

It is obvious that August is full of possibilities, even if we must spend most of our time at home wiggling our toes and relaxing with a root beer float.

Returning to the weather, Jesus noted that people observed it, but not spiritual conditions, so he said, “When you see a cloud coming up in the west, at once you will say that it is going to rain—and it does. And when you feel the south wind blowing, you say that it is going to gt hot—and it does. Hypocrites! You can look at the earth and the sky and predict the weather; why, then, don’t you know the meaning of the present time?”(Luke 12:54-56).

A good question for us to ponder as well.

Karl and Joice Franklin
Weather watchers

); Y=Yes more yarns (2019); E=Forthcoming

Unusual July Events

The month of July was named in honor of Julius Caesar, who was responsible for the year having 365 days—the “Julian calendar.” It has also a girl’s name and by 1900 was one of the most popular, with variants such as Julia, Jackquel, Jacquil, Jaell, Jahel, Jahli, Jalee, Jalil, Jayel and Jayla, but by 1950 its popularity had dropped considerably. 

Back in 1984 Ronald Reagan deemed July as “National Ice Cream Flavor Month” and the third Sunday of this month is “National Ice Cream Day,” so I headed to Drug Emporium and bought a gallon of French Vanilla, figuring that we could invent our own flavors for the month. So far, a bit of chocolate sauce and a few peanuts has been our flavor of the month.

There are also serious days this month, for example July 2nd was “World UFO Day,” so if you looked into the sky and saw some unidentified object, you should have immediately consulted the World UFO Day website. However, be careful: what one observer thought was the landing craft of intelligent beings from outer space turned out to be the lid of a garbage can, lofted high by Texas winds. The sighting was classified for several years.

You will not be surprised to know that July 4th, in addition to Independence Day, is “Sidewalk Egg Frying Day.” When we were studying linguistics at the University of Oklahoma one summer, we actually saw college students frying their eggs on the sidewalk. I think they were “over easy” and not scrambled—unless someone happened to step on them. We never saw anyone eat what was left of the eggs.

Although July 6 is “International Kissing Day,” in Texas, according to high government sources, masks are not mandatory and “social distancing“ will be reduced from six to two feet. This day is also cited as a direct cause for “National Mono Day.”

The children are probably going to have to forgo “Teddy Bear Picnic Day,” which is on July 10. The “day” was proclaimed a national holiday by a collectible items dealer named Royal Selangor, building on a song written by John Walter Bratton called “The Teddy Bears’ Picnic.” The holiday is popular in Europe and there is a ground swell among Baylor students for it to be recognized with signs near the bear pit.

Children who miss out on their Teddy bear picnics can look forward to July 13th, which is “National French Fries Day,” although French Fries should actually be eaten on July 22, which is “National Junk Food Day.”

Several July events will not take place this year: July 26, the “National Talk in an Elevator Day” is replaced by “Guess Who Has Dimples under Masks Day”. There is still debate about honoring “Yellow Pig Day,” which normally takes place on July 17, the name arising from “an intense study of the mathematical properties of the number 17.” Piggeries around the world may hold rallies and object to the use of the word “pig.”

You have probably heard of “spoonerisms,” the accidental switching of consonants or vowels and named after the Reverend William Archibald Spooner. To honor him, July 22nd is “Doonerism Spay.”

But enough trivia, let’s get serious. The Catholics have over 15 Saints who are celebrated on July 1st alone, with another 11 on July 2nd, and similar additions for the remaining days of the month. For example, St. Phocas the Gardener, who died in 303, has his Feastday on July 3 and, for a more modern example, St. Maria Goretti, who died on July 6, 1902 and was canonized by Pope Pius XII in 1950.

Protestants are featured in July as well: think of theologian John Calvin, who was born as Jehan Cauvin in Noyon, a town in Picardy, a province of the Kingdom of France on July 10, 1509. Calvin was a pastor and reformer in Geneva during the Reformation. He developed a system of theology called Calvinism, which includes aspects of predestination, the sovereignty of God and eternal damnation. He was originally a lawyer and left the Roman Catholic Church around 1530. During the English Civil War, Calvinistic Puritans produced the Westminster Confession, which later became the confessional standard for Presbyterians.

But this isn’t a religious contest, so let’s turn to some other famous people who were born in July: Diana, the Princess of Wales, on July 1, 1961, Koko the gorilla on July 4, 1971, Tom Hanks on July 9, 1956, Henry David Thoreau on July 12, 1817, Nelson Mandela on July 18, 1918, Ernest Hemingway on July 21, 1899. Amelia Earhart on July 24, 1897, and Beatrix Potter on July 28, 1866.

In other words, if your birthday is in July, you are showcased with many prominent people. However, if it is in December, don’t worry because Santa Claus is coming to town and will remember you. Hopefully, he will not be wearing a mask and kids can sit on his lap.

Spurious July reflections
Karl and Joice Franklin

Unusual June Holidays

This month features, among other things, Dinosaur Day and I Love My Dentist Day. I am not sure why they are both mentioned this month, but it may have something to do with teeth. I did not remember Dinosaur Day, which was on June 1, concentrating instead on Oscar the Grouch’s birthday and Donut Day.

I also forgot about I Love My Dentist Day, which was on June 2, because I have never met a dentist that I loved. My fervent wish was to get away from the dentist as fast as I can and with most of my teeth and mouth still intact.

Let me show you what I missed so far in June: Egg Day (June 3), National Frozen Yogurt Day (June 4), National Gingerbread Day (June 5), National Yo-Yo Day (June 6), National Chocolate Ice Cream Day (June 7), National Jelly-Filled Doughnut Day (June 8), International Young Eagles Day (June 9), National Flag Week (beginning June 10), National Peanut Butter Cookie Day (June 12), National Juggling Day and National Lobster Day (June 13), Pop Goes the Weasel Day (June 14), and both the Power of a Smile Day and Fly a Kite Day (June 15).

All of those took place in the first half of the month and, not so sadly, I missed them all. However, I became interested about Fudge Day (June 16), but not so much about Iceland Independence Day (June 17). I have written about Father’s Day (June 18), but didn’t realize it was also International Picnic Day.

I’ll skip some of the rest of the June holidays, although I will mention National Catfish Day (June 25), National Chocolate Pudding Day (June 26), National Orange Blossom Day (June 27), Paul Bunyan Day (June 28), Camera Day (June 29) and Meteor Day (June 30).

June also has its share of more serious holidays. In fact, according to “Catholic Online,” June is the Month of the Sacred Heart and St. Justin Martyr is the Saint of the Day for June 1, followed by Sts. Marcelllinus and Peter on June 2. There is, in fact, a saint listed for every day of June, including St. Charles Lwanga, St. Francis Caracciolo, and St. Boniface of Mainz. As far as I can tell, there is only one woman who made the June calendar: St. Emily de Vialar (June 17). However, my Latin is very poor, and I may have misread the gender of some of the names.

Protestants also have June holidays, often on Sundays. We are familiar with Pentecost (June 9), Trinity Sunday (June 16), Corpus Christi (June 20) and Saints Peter and Paul (June 29). I skipped Saint Vladimir on June 15, but he is legendary and mentioned in both the Orthodox and Catholic calendars. The Internet says that “Vladimir was the son of the Norman-Rus prince Svyatoslav of Kyiv by one of his courtesans and was a member of the Rurik lineage dominant from the 10th to the 13th century. He was made prince of Novgorod in 970.” That was not terribly enlightening to me. What did he do that made him famous? Well, if it is the same Vladimir, he united the eastern Slavs in accepting Christianity and helped Russia become a part of “Christian” nations. There are numerous legends and songs about him.

Returning to Texas, each city seems to have events in June. Houston, for example, was named “a hot spot for travelers,” even before the coronavirus pandemic. The city features the Space Center, the Fine Arts Museum and the Houston Experience Marketplace, and “much more.” We spent 6 ½ weeks in Houston some 6 years ago but saw mainly the M D Anderson hospital and the proton radiation center. I did manage to visit the Arts Museum and see the Astros play a baseball game one July 4th, with fireworks following.

Because of the pandemic, some events have been postponed or canceled in Waco and other Texas towns. However, the Dr Pepper Museum, with “the best collection of soft drink memorabilia in the world” is open, but I wonder if you can drink your Dr Pepper through a face mask.

There was no shortage of festivals in the Old Testament either. In calendar order, they were the Passover (lasting 7 days), Unleavened Bread, Firstfruits (at the first barley harvest), the Feast of Weeks (Pentecost, 50 days after Firstfruits), the Feast of Trumpets (signifying the calling of Israel to judgment), the Day of Atonement, and the Feast of Booths (a week of celebration for the harvest of grapes and olives).

There were other feasts as well: New Moon, Sabbath Year (every 7th year), and the Jubilee (the 5th year or 49 years from the last Sabbath year).

God blessed such celebrations and Jesus reminds us of another great feast.  In Matthew 8.11 and Luke 13.29, we read that “many will come from the east and the west and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven.”

No masks or social distancing will be necessary.

Karl Franklin
Awaiting that grand feast

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